Ex's, we love to hate them

I finally gained enough courage to tell PS that I am in a relationship.We werent an item for 5 months. It took every ounce of strength to relay the message. Dialed her number, the sound of her voice put me off. I could'nt do it. I couldnt hurt her but then she wasnt getting the message. I have to do it for Nana, for us. She has suffered enough with the constant calls and smses. Breath RP, breath.....It started off as a general conversation, then I spilled the beans..."I am involved with someone". "Oh" . Ok she took it well, I thought. There was this uncomfortable silence. " How long has it been?" "Does the period matter PS". " Yes it matters to me RP". I kept quiet. I couldnt myself to tell her that its been 7 months. i hadnt called it quits with PS on the 3rd month. I couldnt bring myself to do that. I guess I have always known that it wasnt going to work between PS and I. I had hoped that our love was strong enough to carry us. Was I in love with her from the onset or was I in love with the concept of being in love. I didnt want to be alone and there was a women sending me messages. Yes internet dating. Thats how most women meet. Talk about persistence. I finally responded to her mail 5 months after that. Then I had to do the chasing which was frustrating. But then I am a lioness. Chasing comes naturally. The relationship started off slowly. Too many obstacles mainly PS's family. The mom would when she was visiting for the term of the visit. Do you know how irritating it is to be disturbed by the phone when you are about to climax. Man its a drawn back. Then its a process to work your way up to that point when you release. Worst of all the person answers the phone. Oh. passion killer.... we had stolen moments. Kissing in the car like love-sick teenagers, looking over one's shoulder. We would find ourselves doing the deed in the cinema. Come to think of it I cant recall the movies we watched nor can I remember the titles. Yes, it was stolen moments with PS. It was exciting initially. But I got tired of it. I wanted a life partner, someone to hold to sleep at night and wake up next to in the morning. I wanted to come back to a warm home, loving arms and someone to laugh and cry with. i wanted it all PS. Was I asking for too much? I remember my move to the JHB. i had hoped you would follow suite or at least consider it. however your last sms read, "it was nice meeting you. I do hope you are happy". Yet again I perserved. I didnt mind the calls and the smses but when you told me you can only visit me with your brother on the pretext that you were going to see a client, i thought why, why I am still here. You werent willing to fight for us. I have never spent the night in your arms. Even on my last day, after booking a room near your place of residence you had to leave me at 2am because your mom was worried. You had a choice and you chose to leave me. Yes we are from different family and religious background but I dont think its my place to force you to disclose your sexuality to your family. They have long suspected that so why not confirm it. Life is too short to live a borrowed life. To fear loving and living. You mom is not as fragile as you think she is and until you make that decision to put yourself first you will always have a problematic relationship. I told my family because I wanted to be free not because I didnt love them. They are dealing with it in their own way but atleast they know and I am not willing to compromise. I am who I am and I dont need to apologise for that.
The call ended after a lot of interrogation. I thought I knew PS. She is a proud woman but then love knows no pride. I tossed and turned wondering if I should tell Nana. it will upset her but then I made a promise to be true to her. Woke up to an sms. There and then I decided to tell Nana.It read:
PS:If i decided 2 move 2 jhb to be with you wud there still b a possibility of us havin a relationship or not? Pls b honest
RP:u & i no u wouldnt do dat.u wouldnt defy the family esp ur fragil mom.im a dreamer but i dnt live in a dream world.was fightin a losing batl.Im content whr i am
PS:U dont want a relationship wit me nemore nor do u have palce 4me in ur life! Its crystal clear just how over me u really r.If ne1 is stil dreaming & hoping its me.i shudnt make dat big a sacrifice 4sum1 who fails 2 cherish me! Der was a time u really loved but dat time has passd.
RP:If it makes u feel bter,believe wht u want to believe.u werent prepad 2 make dat sacrifice Presha.God i loved u & i realised dat we'l nver b 2gether in da real sens
PS let it go. You and I know it will never be. Our time has passed. You need to save yourself before you try and salvage that which we had. Yes I am using the past tense because it is no more.I still care and I want to see you happy but only you can make that happen.Liberate yourself....

I woke up to a a dream, no a nightmare which left me confused and sad. I cried buckets trying to make sense of it all. Lay in bed without moving, without breathing willing the nightmare to be just that, a bad dream. There were two adjacent houses. In one house I was with my baby and her ex *Laila.Nono left with Laila to go to the other house. Something transpired or something was said that made me leave the house in total defeat. When I got to the other house, I packed my bags. My grandmother was there hurling blasphemous words about lesbianism. I turned around shouted , I am a lesbian. If you want to kill me go ahead. Then i woke up. "Baby wake up. Ive just had a bad dream.'I relayed it to Nono in tears as she held me and told me it was just a dream. I have had similar dreams. The only difference is that with the previous dreams, I was left in the cold. They left me and indeed they did leave me. So it was not just a dream . No it was not just a dream. The frustration lay in the fact that I couldnt figure out that which tranpsired that saw me packing my bags. You have to understand, I love my woman. I worship the ground she walks on. I will fight till the end before I leave. it felt like the end in the dream.I was defeated. I surrendered. Laila why, you have had your turn and things didnt work out. Give us a chance to work, see how far we go. Nono you loved her and you probably still do however I love you more. I want to spend my life with you, grow old with you at Port Alfred. Our very own house with a white-washed picket fence with fluffly running around. I want to share and witnessing our little girl grow into a woman.I want to take that trip to Paris and that Merc B Class. its not just a dream baby. One day, someday soon....I want it all with you. The good, the bad. Please tell me im not alone. Nono held me and tried to comfort my hysterical self. I know you love me. We share something so precious and yes I would be foolish to give it up, to give you up.I fear losing you. Fear can manifest into reality. Why cant we just enjoy what which we have.Focus on the positive instead of thinking of that which could happen. God i pray it was just a dream. God i know it was a dream. Why does love hurt so bad. Why are we letting our exs play with our heads, create chaos in our relationship. Why Nono,why.

I love her, oh God I love her. Yes I love my woman.I sometimes lie awake at night watching her sleeping. I have been blessed with a beautiful woman full of life and love. My piece of heaven. Every night I hold her tight to sleep fearing that if I dont I will wake up to an empty space. But then I wake up to her smile. Total bliss. What a way to start the day. Yes I am a woman in love with a woman. Love knows no colour, race, sex. I chose to embrace love and I have never looked back. Slept late at night because I had a difference in opinion with my woman over an ex. I wish my ex could let it be. I have found love in abundance. I witnessed her pain, I shared her pain, I am the cause of her pain. forgive me baby I am not perfect but i want to be perfect for you.Bloggers forgive me but I love my woman. You can call me names however that doesnt define me. you can kill me but that will never change who I am. You can rape me but that will never kill my spirit. I am not a lesbian.I am just in love with my woman. That is my only sin if love is a sin.

Pardon me......

Pardon me for breathing,
for living,
Pardon me for loving,
for feeling,
Pardon me for appreciating,
for admiring.
I saw her,
I loved her,
I am her.
Pardon me.....

Greetings to all.

Permit me to write my story,
To ramble words with no meaning,
Permit me to write words that pierce the heart,
leave thee soul bleeding
Permit me to be.....