Ex's, we love to hate them

I finally gained enough courage to tell PS that I am in a relationship.We werent an item for 5 months. It took every ounce of strength to relay the message. Dialed her number, the sound of her voice put me off. I could'nt do it. I couldnt hurt her but then she wasnt getting the message. I have to do it for Nana, for us. She has suffered enough with the constant calls and smses. Breath RP, breath.....It started off as a general conversation, then I spilled the beans..."I am involved with someone". "Oh" . Ok she took it well, I thought. There was this uncomfortable silence. " How long has it been?" "Does the period matter PS". " Yes it matters to me RP". I kept quiet. I couldnt myself to tell her that its been 7 months. i hadnt called it quits with PS on the 3rd month. I couldnt bring myself to do that. I guess I have always known that it wasnt going to work between PS and I. I had hoped that our love was strong enough to carry us. Was I in love with her from the onset or was I in love with the concept of being in love. I didnt want to be alone and there was a women sending me messages. Yes internet dating. Thats how most women meet. Talk about persistence. I finally responded to her mail 5 months after that. Then I had to do the chasing which was frustrating. But then I am a lioness. Chasing comes naturally. The relationship started off slowly. Too many obstacles mainly PS's family. The mom would when she was visiting for the term of the visit. Do you know how irritating it is to be disturbed by the phone when you are about to climax. Man its a drawn back. Then its a process to work your way up to that point when you release. Worst of all the person answers the phone. Oh. passion killer.... we had stolen moments. Kissing in the car like love-sick teenagers, looking over one's shoulder. We would find ourselves doing the deed in the cinema. Come to think of it I cant recall the movies we watched nor can I remember the titles. Yes, it was stolen moments with PS. It was exciting initially. But I got tired of it. I wanted a life partner, someone to hold to sleep at night and wake up next to in the morning. I wanted to come back to a warm home, loving arms and someone to laugh and cry with. i wanted it all PS. Was I asking for too much? I remember my move to the JHB. i had hoped you would follow suite or at least consider it. however your last sms read, "it was nice meeting you. I do hope you are happy". Yet again I perserved. I didnt mind the calls and the smses but when you told me you can only visit me with your brother on the pretext that you were going to see a client, i thought why, why I am still here. You werent willing to fight for us. I have never spent the night in your arms. Even on my last day, after booking a room near your place of residence you had to leave me at 2am because your mom was worried. You had a choice and you chose to leave me. Yes we are from different family and religious background but I dont think its my place to force you to disclose your sexuality to your family. They have long suspected that so why not confirm it. Life is too short to live a borrowed life. To fear loving and living. You mom is not as fragile as you think she is and until you make that decision to put yourself first you will always have a problematic relationship. I told my family because I wanted to be free not because I didnt love them. They are dealing with it in their own way but atleast they know and I am not willing to compromise. I am who I am and I dont need to apologise for that.
The call ended after a lot of interrogation. I thought I knew PS. She is a proud woman but then love knows no pride. I tossed and turned wondering if I should tell Nana. it will upset her but then I made a promise to be true to her. Woke up to an sms. There and then I decided to tell Nana.It read:
PS:If i decided 2 move 2 jhb to be with you wud there still b a possibility of us havin a relationship or not? Pls b honest
RP:u & i no u wouldnt do dat.u wouldnt defy the family esp ur fragil mom.im a dreamer but i dnt live in a dream world.was fightin a losing batl.Im content whr i am
PS:U dont want a relationship wit me nemore nor do u have palce 4me in ur life! Its crystal clear just how over me u really r.If ne1 is stil dreaming & hoping its me.i shudnt make dat big a sacrifice 4sum1 who fails 2 cherish me! Der was a time u really loved but dat time has passd.
RP:If it makes u feel bter,believe wht u want to believe.u werent prepad 2 make dat sacrifice Presha.God i loved u & i realised dat we'l nver b 2gether in da real sens
PS let it go. You and I know it will never be. Our time has passed. You need to save yourself before you try and salvage that which we had. Yes I am using the past tense because it is no more.I still care and I want to see you happy but only you can make that happen.Liberate yourself....