Ramblings of a warrior......

I suppose most of the individuals that take time to read and share are thinking where did she dissappear to? But then we all need a moment to exhale. I have had my fair share of issues these past few months. But then what is life without challenges. My precious relationship is on the brink of collapse, I was kidnapped 2 months ago, and yes I am changing jobs. I found myself in a situation that I never fathomed 2 months ago. Thanks to God's grace and protection I have been granted a new lease on life. It may sound bizzarre however we live in a cruel world. Yet we continue living, loving because we know there is a greater being watching over us.

I was kidnapped by a couple who pretended to be renting out a place only to find that they dont even own the place. I am still trying to make sense of that which transpired. I wish I could forget about it and move on but something seems to be pulling me back, sabotaging my every move. The 3 hours tied and gaged seems like a lifetime. I felt like I was watching a movie or should I say I detached myself from the situation. The aftermath of that is that I have become aggressive, angry and paranoid.My partner says I have changed but then that was a life changing experience. Our relationship has been going down hill since then. Yes I have gone for counselling. The reality is the me that I was before the incident is no more.
I am re-discovering myself. Prior to blogging I had so much in mind that I wanted to blog about as a way of offloading but now the words have eluded me. Pardon me, I feel the need to exhale yet again.....

My thoughts......

She looks just like you, beautiful smile, big round eyes…God she is a beautiful child. It’s my little one, my bundle of joy. Yes I dream of having a baby. I even have the names lined up. If it’s a girl, Palesa, Talluah, Tatiana. If it’s a boy, Montwedi, Stembiso. I wonder if it’s for the right reasons though. Does it matter? I would someday soon like to be a mother. I feel I have a lot of love to give and to a certain extent it is imparted to people who don’t appreciate it. My Talluah.

I guess you are all wondering how I am going to accomplish that? Conception requires the seed of a man. Believe you me I have thought long and hard above it. I have even narrowed down the potential candidates. I thought of enticing my ex, given that we were in a relationship for 3 years without doing the dirty deed. However I can’t bring myself to doing it. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the male specie. I could go for artificial insemination but then that would mean I would have to get my ex to agree to it. Do I have the guts to ask that of him after I broke his heart? Why go and pay for the process when one can conceive naturally? It boils down to the fact that I can’t bring myself to engage with a man, even for little Talluah. I don’t want to pick a faceless person at the sperm bank. I want to know Talluah’s, dad. I want to be able to answer Lulu’s questions one day because kids do have an inquisitive mind. I can assure you it has got nothing to do with the fact I am getting old nor do I want to fill a void in my life. The love of a child is unconditional. It’s unassuming and sincere. Why would I want to miss the opportunity of experiencing that?

What is your take on this bloggers?

Lastly when does one stop working on a relationship and start enjoying it?

I am in love.......

They say love is a two way street.
One has to give in order to receive.
No one warned me it would be a pandemonium of emotions.
No one warned me that in order to give myself to someone completely, I have to loose myself completely.
No one warned me that one day, some day when love knocked on my door, I would want to play God and carry my partner’s disappointment and pain.
No one warned me that I would find myself crying to sleep at night because the one I love is not lying next to me.
No one warned me that I would put the one that I love first; I would give up my life for them.
What is this emotion that is ravaging my body?
Seducing me,
Consuming my every thought.
What is this emotion that has broken all the barriers,
That has exposed my fragile heart and left me totally weak.

Some one should have warned me, but then I wouldn’t have listen. Cupid does not choose when to strike nor can I dodge that fateful arrow.
I am in love…..

You swept me off my feet,
Left me dazed and confused.
With one word you heal,
With a hug you chase the blues away,
I am in love….

Someone should have warned me,
I would have looked for cupid sooner,
Just to have one more day with you.
Because I am in love…

That's mother for you.....

I am getting a cold breeze from my mom. I guess it’s partially because of what transpired last week and any other “issues” that she may have. Mother’s tactic is to give one the cold shoulder and literally spit fire when she is nice and ready. She is always the victim, rarely listens and she is always right. I am scheduled to go to Pretoria this weekend. My sister is moving to JHB to commence varsity. Yes I ensured that she secured her own apartment. I don’t want to get old before my time. The “issues” probably revolve around my sister and the fact that I didn’t participate in the whole process of preparing for varsity. Correct me if I am wrong but my sister is exactly that my sister, not my child. I am not obligated to do things for her; I do everything because I want to. However my mom and family have made it an obligation. To hell with the fact that when she took my car, it had traveled 7300km and it’s currently reflecting 16100km within 2 months. To hell with the fact that I risked my job, surrendered my company car to her and sis to use whilst in Botswana for 5 days. To hell with the fact that I sacrificed a lot financially to see my sister through High School because mom and hubby weren’t working. Mother was busy chasing a dream (they change every year) whilst the rest of us were slaving away putting up with all the garbage at work to feed two households. I marvel at the fact that she is quick to judge yet she is far from perfect. I marvel at the fact that she believes my family is trying to control my life yet she is the mastermind behind it all. When I moved to JHB it was to build a nest in a familiar surrounding. Her argument is I moved to be with family. Does that require my clocking in every weekend, am I obligated to call everyday, am I now expected to move back home and build a home with my mother (which is what she has been preaching). What am I missing here guys?

This is the same woman who drilled it into my head that I was stupid, and that she wanted to give me up for adoption when I was young. That was traumatic for me and yes I believed I was stupid to the extent that I didn’t make an effort to excel in Primary school. I kept busy with extra mural activities. I just made it through Primary School even though I attended a renowned Primary school. I believed that I wasn’t worth loving and there was something wrong with me because my mother wanted to give me up. I looked to other women especially teachers to obtain that love that I didn’t have from my mom. When I went back to live with my grandma she rarely called. Didn’t want me to visit during the holidays her excuse being there were trainee miners in the town. Tell me again which place has no men? She didn’t even have the audacity to tell me that she was getting married to the abusive man that she lived with. I went to visit my grandma during one of the weekends when I was at boarding school only to find that it was my mom’s wedding celebration!!!! I am who I am because I wanted to prove to my family that I can make something of myself, I am a force to be reckoned with. That inspired me throughout my studies. Where was my mother when my father did that which he did? It was very simple. She could have told me about the man and spared me the pain. But then of course she had to be selfish. Yes I am angry; I have a right to be angry. What gives her the right to make my life miserable? All I want is to be left alone to live life.

Ma: So how did you plan to service your car given that you are broke (This is the same car that she is driving)
RP: I am awaiting rental from my current tenant. They usually pay late. Thus I won’t be able to service the car on Friday
Ma: So what should we do. We need a car to run around buy things for your sis and take her stuff to varsity? (Icy tone)
RP: You can use my company car. I will catch a ride with Nono until I have serviced my car.
Ma: No its fine. I just wanted to ask you that question.
RP: Ok. Like I said my co car available
Ma: We will see what to do

People please assist. What was the reason for the question? It was her a way of trying to pick a fight but I didn’t give have that opportunity. Yes she is on the war path. I tend to wonder if she will ever appreciate that which I do or maybe Im getting the wrong end of the stick, she is entitled to it all.

30 minutes later…..

RP: Hello
Ma: what should I do with your matric clothes?
RP: (Hmm???) Leave them in the wardrobe.
Ma: Are you crazy, I am moving to Botswana (Says a person who hasn’t done anything to indicate her moving to bots)
RP: Ok, I will fetch them in due course
Ma: Come and fetch your stuff!!!

Yesteday I cried......

This piece was inspired by one of my favourite writers Iyanla Vanzant
Yesterday I cried......
I let it flow with all the anger, frustration, and bitterness.
I cried for all the times when I was too much of a coward to cry.
I cried for the times when I spent the day sitting by the phone waiting for my mom to call and say Happy Birthday only to find that she has forgotten the day and my age,
I cried for the father whose love and approval I yearned for only to find that he was not worthy of any emotion including hatred from me,
I cried for that shy little girl, who feared anything and everything under the sun,
I cried for all those beatings that I got from teachers and fellow students during high school because I couldn’t stand up for myself,
I cried for the life that I lived as a caged bird yearning to go out and play and be the child I was,
I cried for the boyfriend that I lost to my best friend, for his stupidity, her jealousy and my naivety,
I cried for the child who was forced to go to church and the woman who found God,
I cried for the brothers that I have that I will never know,
I cried for my grandfather and uncle, for their souls and absence in this world
I cried for my grandma ever so faithful and loving to a man who abused and divorced her and had children outside the marriage,
I cried for my mom who went through the same abuse yet she remained committed to my stepfather and blamed everyone else but him for his actions,
I cried for the stepfather that made me hate him for putting my sister through it all,
I cried for the cousins that I never got to know because the mother decided to keep them away from the family after the divorce,
I cried for all the divorced individuals in the family, for the fear that our generation has, for all those broken relationships,
I cried for all the men I hurt in my quest to find myself,
I cried for the friends I lost because they couldn’t look beyond the person I am dating and realize that I’m still the person they established a relationship with,
I cried for the time I failed my honours even though Id sacrificed everything inorder to complete my studies,
I cried for the ex-girlfriend (NM) that tried to commit suicide by jumping off the 6th floor in my presence in the “name of love”
I cried for the Indian ex-girlfriend (PS) who isnt brave enough to break free and live her life because of her family, religion, culture etc.
I cried for my partner and her estrangement from her family,
I cried for the abundance of love that I have for her,
I cried for the child that is yet to be conceived and the mother who is yearning to hold her little one in her arms,
I cried for the period I didn’t have a job, when I watched my life crumble in front of me,
I cried for the mother that I knew and loved (grandma) that disowned me because of my sexuality,
I cried for all those innocent women and children, who are raped and murdered daily in South Africa,
I cried for my tortured soul.
Yes I cried. A perennial river, forever flowing....
Today I cried for a new dawn, a new beginning with all its challenges.

Lover + family spells disaster!!!!

My Wednesday would have been perfect until my mom told me she and sis are coming over to spend the night 5 minutes before they got to my place of residence. My first reaction was to call Nana and warn her but I didn’t have credit on my mobile. Luckily she arrived before the family rocked up. Whilst we were contemplating how to go about the situation, Mom and sis waltzed into the flat without a care in the world. ‘I can’t stay, I need to figure out were I am going to sleep tonight”. I watched her leave on the pretext that she was going to the gym. I didn’t feel like cooking because I had to feed the couple, I didn’t feel like making small talk but I had to indulge family. It was the last thing on my mind. I just wanted to be in the mist of my lady. I was worried sick, didn’t know were she went and I felt bad about the situation at hand. Id planned to spend a quiet evening with Nono. She looked physically drained and I was emotionally drained but there I was wearing a fake smile trying to entertain my family whilst my lady was wondering around during the night trying to find a place to sleep. I felt like my face was about to crack thanks to the fake smile. I called her but we got into an argument. Called her again but her mobile was busy. When I finally got through to her the argument ensued. RP: Where are you? Nono: I am ok. RP: Where are you? Nono: I said I am ok. It sounds like you are traveling. I hope you are not making your way to Pretoria to fetch me. RP: I am at home. Where are you in Pretoria? Nono: I said I am ok. Look sisi I am not a kid I can look after myself! Do you honestly think I would deliberately put myself in danger? I hope you’re not on your way to PTA because if you are I will leave and find somewhere else to spend the night. RP: You clearly don’t know me. How could you think I would follow you? I am merely worried about you? Nono: Well I am at my cousin’s place at ……………..I sent you an sms to that effect. RP: I didn’t receive it. Nono: Goodnite. I stood there motionless, enveloped by the dark. Felt like crying but the tears defied me. I felt like screaming but I couldn’t find my voice. Why do I care too much. Yes it is too much if it bothers the next person or makes her feel like I am treating her like a child. I put on the plastic smile, went back to cooking like a robot. I wanted time alone to wallow in my misery, digest that which transpired. Finished cooking. The food was unpalatable but I had to force it down my throat because my stomach was making funny noises. My phone rang. Nono: Hi. You are not angry with me right? RP: No Nono: I am not angry with you too. RP: Ok (silence) Nono: Goodnite RP: Goodnite (silence) Nono: I love you RP: Me too. For once I didn’t have much to say to her. I went through a rollacoster from worry to anger and I finally settled for sadness. Yes I was sad. I am still sad. Usually we sms crazily till the early hours of the morning but I didn’t have the energy nor the motivation to do that. I just wanted to escape from this feeling that was eating at me, sadness.

Nono tell me to stop caring I will but I don’t know how to love with out caring.

Mom and sis, in future please let me know of your decision to visit in advance please. I am a 30 yr old with a life. How did you expect us all to spend the night in a 1 bedroom flat. Like Nono and I would sleep in the same bed as my sister!! Why does our relationship have to be treated differently to that of a heterosexual relationship? I know you are trying to make sense of it all ma but please let me live my life. Yes I am selling my car. My being the operative word. No we can’t change cars everytime you don’t have fuel in the car. If you are the custodian of my car and you want to be consulted regarding the sale, then take the car for service. You can’t reap the benefits without paying for the associated costs. That’s family for you. I am in such a somber mood today. The weather doesn’t help too. I want to shut the door to the world and dream..

Nono i made a promise never to leave. More importantly I love you enough not to walk away without a fight. I need your help with this one though because it is something that is beyond my control. I guess that is were the frustration lies. My happiness is controlled by someone I dont know nor do I care to know. But then again that's life.I could simply ignore it or shut down but that would result in a build up of negative emotions which could be detrimental in future. We have loved and lost, we have hurt people with our words and actions however life goes on. Love knows no pain Nono nor can one carry another's pain. We cant change the past because its water under the bridge but we can ensure that we dont repeat the same mistake again. I guess I will never understand that which transpired between you and NN nor will I claim to understand. What I know is he has become an obstacle in our relationship. Believe you me I have practiced utmost patience, turned a blind eye to that which I would have normally reacted to. My profound fear is that in the long run someone will get hurt. Its not an exaggeration. Until you rid yourself of the guilt and acknowledge and accept that youre only human, you will never get rid of NN. Indeed he will keep manipulating your feelings to the extent that you will find yourself back in his arms as your way of trying to made amends. What happened to the young lady that wanted to liberate herself. What happend to the young lady that fought so hard to get to where she is. What happend to the young lady that decided to put her happiness first and live her life. Wasnt it all worth it my love? The isolation, name calling, weird looks. You braved it all for a purpose. Dont go back to being a prisoner. Yes you have made him aware of the situation, talked till you are blue in the face, but have you practiced that. How can he honestly get over you when he knows its just a matter of calling and you are at his beck and call. I am sorry to be cruel but he is not a child. He may be in an unfamiliar town but he has friends, family, colleagues. Why do you,an ex, have to offer that support? Because he is comfortable with you.... All I am asking for is a chance Nono. Is it too much to ask? I derive my happiness from you. If you want to make me happy, start with yourself. that is the secret to my happiness.
Im in love with you, my future is with you. Pardon me for being selfish.... I thought I should speak my mind.

Yes, it is an ex gnawing at my soul,creating havoc in my life. I mavel at the fact that men get turned on by a relationship between two women especially if the parties are feminine. The male specie does not recognise and accept that two beautiful women can be in love and have a serious relationship. Love is not about that which is between your legs. There is more to a relationship than sex and believe you me I can make a woman experience multiple orgasm without that tool that is forever worshiped. So please dont ask me how we do it. There's no recipe to love making. Its about being creative, evoking all senses. The ex above doesnt want to give up on Nono. Yes she is partially to blame. I have stated my case, the rest is up to her.......

Ex's, we love to hate them

I finally gained enough courage to tell PS that I am in a relationship.We werent an item for 5 months. It took every ounce of strength to relay the message. Dialed her number, the sound of her voice put me off. I could'nt do it. I couldnt hurt her but then she wasnt getting the message. I have to do it for Nana, for us. She has suffered enough with the constant calls and smses. Breath RP, breath.....It started off as a general conversation, then I spilled the beans..."I am involved with someone". "Oh" . Ok she took it well, I thought. There was this uncomfortable silence. " How long has it been?" "Does the period matter PS". " Yes it matters to me RP". I kept quiet. I couldnt myself to tell her that its been 7 months. i hadnt called it quits with PS on the 3rd month. I couldnt bring myself to do that. I guess I have always known that it wasnt going to work between PS and I. I had hoped that our love was strong enough to carry us. Was I in love with her from the onset or was I in love with the concept of being in love. I didnt want to be alone and there was a women sending me messages. Yes internet dating. Thats how most women meet. Talk about persistence. I finally responded to her mail 5 months after that. Then I had to do the chasing which was frustrating. But then I am a lioness. Chasing comes naturally. The relationship started off slowly. Too many obstacles mainly PS's family. The mom would when she was visiting for the term of the visit. Do you know how irritating it is to be disturbed by the phone when you are about to climax. Man its a drawn back. Then its a process to work your way up to that point when you release. Worst of all the person answers the phone. Oh. passion killer.... we had stolen moments. Kissing in the car like love-sick teenagers, looking over one's shoulder. We would find ourselves doing the deed in the cinema. Come to think of it I cant recall the movies we watched nor can I remember the titles. Yes, it was stolen moments with PS. It was exciting initially. But I got tired of it. I wanted a life partner, someone to hold to sleep at night and wake up next to in the morning. I wanted to come back to a warm home, loving arms and someone to laugh and cry with. i wanted it all PS. Was I asking for too much? I remember my move to the JHB. i had hoped you would follow suite or at least consider it. however your last sms read, "it was nice meeting you. I do hope you are happy". Yet again I perserved. I didnt mind the calls and the smses but when you told me you can only visit me with your brother on the pretext that you were going to see a client, i thought why, why I am still here. You werent willing to fight for us. I have never spent the night in your arms. Even on my last day, after booking a room near your place of residence you had to leave me at 2am because your mom was worried. You had a choice and you chose to leave me. Yes we are from different family and religious background but I dont think its my place to force you to disclose your sexuality to your family. They have long suspected that so why not confirm it. Life is too short to live a borrowed life. To fear loving and living. You mom is not as fragile as you think she is and until you make that decision to put yourself first you will always have a problematic relationship. I told my family because I wanted to be free not because I didnt love them. They are dealing with it in their own way but atleast they know and I am not willing to compromise. I am who I am and I dont need to apologise for that.
The call ended after a lot of interrogation. I thought I knew PS. She is a proud woman but then love knows no pride. I tossed and turned wondering if I should tell Nana. it will upset her but then I made a promise to be true to her. Woke up to an sms. There and then I decided to tell Nana.It read:
PS:If i decided 2 move 2 jhb to be with you wud there still b a possibility of us havin a relationship or not? Pls b honest
RP:u & i no u wouldnt do dat.u wouldnt defy the family esp ur fragil mom.im a dreamer but i dnt live in a dream world.was fightin a losing batl.Im content whr i am
PS:U dont want a relationship wit me nemore nor do u have palce 4me in ur life! Its crystal clear just how over me u really r.If ne1 is stil dreaming & hoping its me.i shudnt make dat big a sacrifice 4sum1 who fails 2 cherish me! Der was a time u really loved but dat time has passd.
RP:If it makes u feel bter,believe wht u want to believe.u werent prepad 2 make dat sacrifice Presha.God i loved u & i realised dat we'l nver b 2gether in da real sens
PS let it go. You and I know it will never be. Our time has passed. You need to save yourself before you try and salvage that which we had. Yes I am using the past tense because it is no more.I still care and I want to see you happy but only you can make that happen.Liberate yourself....

I woke up to a a dream, no a nightmare which left me confused and sad. I cried buckets trying to make sense of it all. Lay in bed without moving, without breathing willing the nightmare to be just that, a bad dream. There were two adjacent houses. In one house I was with my baby and her ex *Laila.Nono left with Laila to go to the other house. Something transpired or something was said that made me leave the house in total defeat. When I got to the other house, I packed my bags. My grandmother was there hurling blasphemous words about lesbianism. I turned around shouted , I am a lesbian. If you want to kill me go ahead. Then i woke up. "Baby wake up. Ive just had a bad dream.'I relayed it to Nono in tears as she held me and told me it was just a dream. I have had similar dreams. The only difference is that with the previous dreams, I was left in the cold. They left me and indeed they did leave me. So it was not just a dream . No it was not just a dream. The frustration lay in the fact that I couldnt figure out that which tranpsired that saw me packing my bags. You have to understand, I love my woman. I worship the ground she walks on. I will fight till the end before I leave. it felt like the end in the dream.I was defeated. I surrendered. Laila why, you have had your turn and things didnt work out. Give us a chance to work, see how far we go. Nono you loved her and you probably still do however I love you more. I want to spend my life with you, grow old with you at Port Alfred. Our very own house with a white-washed picket fence with fluffly running around. I want to share and witnessing our little girl grow into a woman.I want to take that trip to Paris and that Merc B Class. its not just a dream baby. One day, someday soon....I want it all with you. The good, the bad. Please tell me im not alone. Nono held me and tried to comfort my hysterical self. I know you love me. We share something so precious and yes I would be foolish to give it up, to give you up.I fear losing you. Fear can manifest into reality. Why cant we just enjoy what which we have.Focus on the positive instead of thinking of that which could happen. God i pray it was just a dream. God i know it was a dream. Why does love hurt so bad. Why are we letting our exs play with our heads, create chaos in our relationship. Why Nono,why.

I love her, oh God I love her. Yes I love my woman.I sometimes lie awake at night watching her sleeping. I have been blessed with a beautiful woman full of life and love. My piece of heaven. Every night I hold her tight to sleep fearing that if I dont I will wake up to an empty space. But then I wake up to her smile. Total bliss. What a way to start the day. Yes I am a woman in love with a woman. Love knows no colour, race, sex. I chose to embrace love and I have never looked back. Slept late at night because I had a difference in opinion with my woman over an ex. I wish my ex could let it be. I have found love in abundance. I witnessed her pain, I shared her pain, I am the cause of her pain. forgive me baby I am not perfect but i want to be perfect for you.Bloggers forgive me but I love my woman. You can call me names however that doesnt define me. you can kill me but that will never change who I am. You can rape me but that will never kill my spirit. I am not a lesbian.I am just in love with my woman. That is my only sin if love is a sin.

Pardon me......

Pardon me for breathing,
for living,
Pardon me for loving,
for feeling,
Pardon me for appreciating,
for admiring.
I saw her,
I loved her,
I am her.
Pardon me.....

Greetings to all.

Permit me to write my story,
To ramble words with no meaning,
Permit me to write words that pierce the heart,
leave thee soul bleeding
Permit me to be.....